yale 1992
Princeton vs. Yale
November 14th, 1992
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Rumbling onto the field like New Haven street gangs, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Yale’s been looking for a new presdient. Ever since election day, there’s been speculation that George Bush would be perfect for the job. After all, they’re both behind the times and have no future. And who better to lead Yale than a man who’s run the national economy into the ground? But if Bush declines, may we suggest Dan Quayle. At Yale, he could rise to his own level of incompetence. Or how about Stockdale? He’s eminently qualified - after eight years in a prison camp. We’re sure that Yale will have no trouble finding someone qualified to accept this prestigious position… yeah, right.
“The Whiffenpoof Song” (Band forms λ)
This just in: the new president of Yale is Darryl Gates, for obvious reasons.
Given free will, why would anyone go to Yale? It’s:
“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
Halftime
And now, the Princeton University Band takes a cold, hard look at cold, hard cash.
“Princeton Forward”
From the dawn of time, man was concerned about saving money. In fact, even yale students know that civilization was founded on the banks…the banks of the Tigris and the Euphrates, that is. Although successful, the first banks faced some logistical problems. It was tough to find a safe deposit box big enough to hold a goat. And the less said about the first piggy bank, the better. But with banks came problems. The Band’s crack investigative team has discovered that the Tower of Babel, the Sphinx’s nose, and Stonehenge were all not completed due to the failure of the first S&L, 10,000 BC BCCI. Saluting this financial disaster, the Band says “this could be the start of something big.”
“Another One Bites the Dust” (Band forms Stonehenge)
Money has been an important concern at yale, even back to colonial times. While Manhattan was purchased from the Indians for $24 in trinkets, the Indians were lucky enough to unload New Haven for three Snickers wrappers and a Pepsi can. yale’s financial problems have extended right up to today. Yes, yale is bankrupt. Morally, intellectually…oh yeah, and financially. yale is currently revising its need-blind admissions policy into a new “need-astigmatism policy.” In other words: “Come closer, let me see your wallet.” Money aside, what would it take to make us go to yale? Apart from a lobotomy, it would have to be at gunpoint.
“Peter Gunn” (Band forms a gun)
And what of the future? Two hundred years from now, none of us will use money…because we’ll all be dead. But really, we will still be using money, it just will look a little different. For example, the Susan B. Anthony dollar will be replaced with the equally useful Dan Quayle dollar, as soon as he learns to count that high. The Home Shopping Network will boom with the introduction of the $19.95 Ronco Buck. But by far the most popular new currency will be the $69.00 Madonna coin, featuring Madonna, front and back. Lending a whole new meaning to the phrase “heads or tails,” the Band plays “In the Mood.”
“In the Mood” (Band forms a coin)
And remember: money may be the root of all evil, but Yale is definitely the fertilizer.
November 14th, 1992
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Rumbling onto the field like New Haven street gangs, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Yale’s been looking for a new presdient. Ever since election day, there’s been speculation that George Bush would be perfect for the job. After all, they’re both behind the times and have no future. And who better to lead Yale than a man who’s run the national economy into the ground? But if Bush declines, may we suggest Dan Quayle. At Yale, he could rise to his own level of incompetence. Or how about Stockdale? He’s eminently qualified - after eight years in a prison camp. We’re sure that Yale will have no trouble finding someone qualified to accept this prestigious position… yeah, right.
“The Whiffenpoof Song” (Band forms λ)
This just in: the new president of Yale is Darryl Gates, for obvious reasons.
Given free will, why would anyone go to Yale? It’s:
- Easy to spell on applications,
- Gets rid of that nasty inferiority complex,
- Iron bars keep you from escaping in the middle of the night,
- Glutton for punishment,
- Roll doubles three times in a row,
- Because you have a thing for bulldogs,
- Bums and drunks make great party guests,
- ‘Cause you’re anal and gapaing and look good in tweed,
- You can participate in drive-by shootings on the way to class,
- Because Iraq is too far away,
- The mother of all urban decay,
- And once a year you get to see the Double-Double Rotating P with Mega Bass!
“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
Halftime
And now, the Princeton University Band takes a cold, hard look at cold, hard cash.
“Princeton Forward”
From the dawn of time, man was concerned about saving money. In fact, even yale students know that civilization was founded on the banks…the banks of the Tigris and the Euphrates, that is. Although successful, the first banks faced some logistical problems. It was tough to find a safe deposit box big enough to hold a goat. And the less said about the first piggy bank, the better. But with banks came problems. The Band’s crack investigative team has discovered that the Tower of Babel, the Sphinx’s nose, and Stonehenge were all not completed due to the failure of the first S&L, 10,000 BC BCCI. Saluting this financial disaster, the Band says “this could be the start of something big.”
“Another One Bites the Dust” (Band forms Stonehenge)
Money has been an important concern at yale, even back to colonial times. While Manhattan was purchased from the Indians for $24 in trinkets, the Indians were lucky enough to unload New Haven for three Snickers wrappers and a Pepsi can. yale’s financial problems have extended right up to today. Yes, yale is bankrupt. Morally, intellectually…oh yeah, and financially. yale is currently revising its need-blind admissions policy into a new “need-astigmatism policy.” In other words: “Come closer, let me see your wallet.” Money aside, what would it take to make us go to yale? Apart from a lobotomy, it would have to be at gunpoint.
“Peter Gunn” (Band forms a gun)
And what of the future? Two hundred years from now, none of us will use money…because we’ll all be dead. But really, we will still be using money, it just will look a little different. For example, the Susan B. Anthony dollar will be replaced with the equally useful Dan Quayle dollar, as soon as he learns to count that high. The Home Shopping Network will boom with the introduction of the $19.95 Ronco Buck. But by far the most popular new currency will be the $69.00 Madonna coin, featuring Madonna, front and back. Lending a whole new meaning to the phrase “heads or tails,” the Band plays “In the Mood.”
“In the Mood” (Band forms a coin)
And remember: money may be the root of all evil, but Yale is definitely the fertilizer.
