Yale 2008
Princeton at Yale
November 15th, 2008
Princeton loses 0-14
Pregame
Lock up your dumpsters, New Haven! It’s the Princeton University Band!!
[Band scrambles onto the field]
Alex Barnard, I mean Alexander V. Barnard was born the love child of a pair of yellow-crested cockatiels. The two love-birds couldn’t afford to keep their child, so they abandoned him in a dumpster outside the Citadel barracks. His adoptive parents passed by, and decided to dumpster dive themselves a wonderful freegan baby. They raised him on liberal amounts of birdseed, which instilled in him an unquenchable desire for vegan imitation food. He went through a punk phase during his adolescence, which he is still in. His adolescence, I mean. A few weeks ago, he was arrested and imprisoned for falsifying his identity while attempting to illegally take the LSAT. After 3 days in prison, Alex was able to slice through his cell bars using naught but his extremely sharp Adam’s apple. Once he broke out of prison he grew out a ridiculous-looking Mohawk as a disguise. You see him now, an emaciated shell of his former self. Forming a lambda or Alex’s favorite food: lamb, duh! The band plays “Bulldog”.
[Band forms lambda, plays Bulldog]
And now: Chicken Breast Rack of lamb Rocky Mountain Oysters Tenderloin Rump roast Sirloin Sweetbreads Bacon Giblets Pork Chops New York Strip Filet Mignon Chopped Liver Gizzard Haggis Frog Legs And the Double-Double Rotating Porterhouse!!
[Band forms double-double rotating Porterhouse]
Run away, Spikey! Before the plastic pumpkin gets you!
Halftime
My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. It’s the PUB!!
[Band marches on playing Princeton Forward March]
With less than 2 months left in George Bush’s final term, he’s begun to look toward life after the oval office. His job hunt is on, and he’s got his eye on becoming a professor at Yale. Classes he’s offered to teach include:
Saluting President Bush’s forays into the world of education, the band turns back the clock and plays “Back to the Future”
[Band forms clock, plays “Back to the Future”]
So recently, Peru has hinted at suing Yale for stealing ancient Incan artifacts. However, Yale’s dastardly thievery does not end there. They’ve been responsible for the theft of some other things, though. For example:
Forming a pair of kidneys, the Band looks at all of Yale’s purloined property and says: “I Want You Back”
[Band forms kidneys, plays “I Want You Back”]
While walking around your campus today, we found among the piles of refuse a travel brochure for New Haven. Our announcer will now read this brochure. However, we’ve just injected him with a truth serum. Stand back and witness the hilarious results. Looking for a great vacation? Come to beautiful… uh, pretty nice… uh, a’ight New Haven! Located in the Northeastern US, New Haven has more sunny days than South Florida… ummm… cleaner air than L.A.? More hobos per square mile than Boston! New Haven is also home to a top-tier University… I mean… a good bargain college… Uhhh… A great community college! New haven has a vibrant downtown area with several Zagat-rated restaurants… I mean… a knock-off Applebee’s… A bloated whale carcass in the center of town! Showcasing New Haven’t local hotspot, the Band forms a flaming barrel of trash and says “That’s the Impression That I Get”
[Band forms flaming trash can, plays “Impression that I Get”]
Run away, Band, while you still have your valuables.
November 15th, 2008
Princeton loses 0-14
Pregame
Lock up your dumpsters, New Haven! It’s the Princeton University Band!!
[Band scrambles onto the field]
Alex Barnard, I mean Alexander V. Barnard was born the love child of a pair of yellow-crested cockatiels. The two love-birds couldn’t afford to keep their child, so they abandoned him in a dumpster outside the Citadel barracks. His adoptive parents passed by, and decided to dumpster dive themselves a wonderful freegan baby. They raised him on liberal amounts of birdseed, which instilled in him an unquenchable desire for vegan imitation food. He went through a punk phase during his adolescence, which he is still in. His adolescence, I mean. A few weeks ago, he was arrested and imprisoned for falsifying his identity while attempting to illegally take the LSAT. After 3 days in prison, Alex was able to slice through his cell bars using naught but his extremely sharp Adam’s apple. Once he broke out of prison he grew out a ridiculous-looking Mohawk as a disguise. You see him now, an emaciated shell of his former self. Forming a lambda or Alex’s favorite food: lamb, duh! The band plays “Bulldog”.
[Band forms lambda, plays Bulldog]
And now: Chicken Breast Rack of lamb Rocky Mountain Oysters Tenderloin Rump roast Sirloin Sweetbreads Bacon Giblets Pork Chops New York Strip Filet Mignon Chopped Liver Gizzard Haggis Frog Legs And the Double-Double Rotating Porterhouse!!
[Band forms double-double rotating Porterhouse]
Run away, Spikey! Before the plastic pumpkin gets you!
Halftime
My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. It’s the PUB!!
[Band marches on playing Princeton Forward March]
With less than 2 months left in George Bush’s final term, he’s begun to look toward life after the oval office. His job hunt is on, and he’s got his eye on becoming a professor at Yale. Classes he’s offered to teach include:
- Gastronomics 204: Chewing Salty Snacks Thoroughly
- Architecture 238: The Great Wall of America
- Creative Statistics 364: Turning the chance of WMDs in Iraq from 1 % into 101%
- Anatomy 108: Skulls and Bones
- Gender Studies 416: Why Bush is always controlled by Dick… Cheney
- Linguistics Eleventy Oh One: The etymology of strategery and misunderestimation
- Computer Science 312: Exploiting weaknesses in Voting Machines
- Film Studies 398: Home Alone I-III: No Child Left Behind
- Art 207: Sketching Nude Ex-presidents
- And of course: Topics in Experimental History: Reliving the Great Depression.
Saluting President Bush’s forays into the world of education, the band turns back the clock and plays “Back to the Future”
[Band forms clock, plays “Back to the Future”]
So recently, Peru has hinted at suing Yale for stealing ancient Incan artifacts. However, Yale’s dastardly thievery does not end there. They’ve been responsible for the theft of some other things, though. For example:
- Yale has stolen casino games from Las Vegas
- Yale stole the dignity of countless undergraduate students
- Yale stole a great Architectural Wonder from China… oh wait, that was Carmen Sandiego
- Yale has stolen thousands of students from Princeton’s wait list
- One thing is for sure, though, Yale has definitely stolen our hearts. And by hearts, I mean kidneys.
Forming a pair of kidneys, the Band looks at all of Yale’s purloined property and says: “I Want You Back”
[Band forms kidneys, plays “I Want You Back”]
While walking around your campus today, we found among the piles of refuse a travel brochure for New Haven. Our announcer will now read this brochure. However, we’ve just injected him with a truth serum. Stand back and witness the hilarious results. Looking for a great vacation? Come to beautiful… uh, pretty nice… uh, a’ight New Haven! Located in the Northeastern US, New Haven has more sunny days than South Florida… ummm… cleaner air than L.A.? More hobos per square mile than Boston! New Haven is also home to a top-tier University… I mean… a good bargain college… Uhhh… A great community college! New haven has a vibrant downtown area with several Zagat-rated restaurants… I mean… a knock-off Applebee’s… A bloated whale carcass in the center of town! Showcasing New Haven’t local hotspot, the Band forms a flaming barrel of trash and says “That’s the Impression That I Get”
[Band forms flaming trash can, plays “Impression that I Get”]
Run away, Band, while you still have your valuables.