Yale 2009

Yale at Princeton
November 14, 2009
Princeton wins 24-17

Pregame:
Bagels on Mars, bagels on Venus, I’ve got a bagel on my Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto field)

This week, a NASA probe a discovered “significant” amount of water on the moon, and it wasn’t just a water bottle Buzz Aldrin left behind. This revelation is a complete turnaround from what they’ve been telling us for the last 40 years: how are we supposed to trust NASA anymore? Here are some other universal truths we suspect they haven’t been telling us:

• The probe also found trace amounts of grapefruit juice and peppermint schnapps
• You can totally breathe in outer space
• Neptune is entirely inhabited by Ewoks
• Pluto actually lost its planet status because it forgot to pay its Planet Club dues
• ABC is producing a spin-off of Lost, set in space… called “Lost in Space”
• The universe isn’t constantly expanding! That’s ridiculous! I mean, how would that POSSIBLY make sense? Jeez!
• “Armageddon” is based on a true story, only it was actually Pauly Shore who saved Earth– but he’s just not marketable
• Meteor showers are actually fairly rare, compared to vegetablier baths

Forming a lambda for lamb-in-da-shower, the band plays “Bulldog.”

(The band forms lambda and plays “Bulldog”)

And now, Redwall, Drywall, Wonderwall, Wall-E, Wal-Mart, Wall Street, Marky Mark Wahlberg, The 20th Anniversary of the Berlin Wall’s Fall, The 1st Anniversary of the Yale Band’s Berlin Wall’s Fall, Wailing Wall, The Wallflowers, Band member Mike Wall, Thoreau’s Walden, Walla Walla, The Great Wall of China, Walabies, And the Double-Double-Rotating Pink Floyd’s The Wall!  


Halftime:
She wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts, she’s cheer captain and I’m in the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto field, playing “Princeton Forward March”)

Yo audience, what do you want today’s show to be about? (Pause) Did somebody say “Iceland?” I heard “Iceland.” Okay, let’s DO this. Here are some wacky Iceland facts:

• To increase tourism, they’re considering changing their name to Niceland, and changing their Thursday to Thorsday… and using ice for currency.

Okay, you know what? Iceland is wacky enough on its own without me having to make up facts. Did you know that Iceland is the largest banana producer in Europe? True fact. Wikipedia it. And Iceland was at informal war with the UK as recently as the 70’s. I’m not making this up. And now the nation’s only three McDonald’s are pulling out, since they didn’t have proper protection… from its economic crisis. We’re sorry, Iceland. Maybe dancing will help! The band forms a dancing Iceland and plays “Iceland of 1000 Dances.”

(Band forms Iceland and dances while playing “Land of 1000 Dances”)

Ladies and gentlemen, this joke is brought to you by the good people at Chic-Fil-A. Last Monday, President Obama’s landmark health care bill was passed in the House. And it’s about time! Here’s how normal folk without health care are dealing with their ailments until federal aid comes through:

• Headaches: By turning off the Glenn Beck Show
• Lactose intolerence: By attending a lactose tolerance seminar.
• Indigestion: By eating more chicken, such as the tasty menu items down at Chic-Fil-A.
• Hiccups: BOO. You’re welcome.
• Halitosis: By taking a healthy spritz of Febreeze.
• Scurvy: By trying the new Spicy Orange Chicken down at Chic-Fil-A.
• Peanut allergies: By carefully inspecting all mouth-bound nuts
• Being hit by an arrow: By upgrading armor to +12
• Drymouth: By sampling Chic-Fil-A’s new Chicken Smoothie! All the chicken flavor you love, with none of the jaw fatigue!
• Mono: By passing it on to a friend.
• Restless Leg Syndrome: By going the pirate route and getting a peg leg, so at least ONE leg is untroubled.

(The band forms a concert arc and plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra.” Flashers on the field first spell out THE UNTROUBLED LEG, which then anagrams into NEUTER THE BULLDOG, which then flips to VIVA ORANGE & BLACK.)

Run away, band! Run AWAY, band! …Okay, okay, Simon SAYS run away.