Yale 2021
Yale at Princeton
November 13, 2021
Princeton wins 35-20
Pregame:
Preparing for our own Viking funeral, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Cannon Song.”]
After the class of 2024 had their Bad Online Not-in-person First Year Residential Experience, BONFYRE for short, the University found themselves with an unfortunate naming clash. If we win the game today, what would the celebratory event be called? In a stroke of genius, the Band suggests “Arson Week.”
For what would raise students’ spirits more than razing First College to the ground? It would save on demolition costs, and at the same time create a bonding experience by kindling friendships among students which will translate into more donations down the line.
For those upset about the plans to burn First College, we could also build a thought-provoking monument outlining both sides to the issue.
Other arson-themed activities could include making extension cord daisy chains, blocking the means of egress, a candle-making study break, and pop-up chemistry labs around campus.
The Band can also provide its services for Arson Week! Forming a match on the field, the Band plays Stop and Shut Up and Drop and Roll and Dance.
[Band forms match and plays “Shut Up and Dance.”]
Man, we can’t seem to stop being fire! Our music is fire! Our uniforms are fire! Our arsonist abilities are fire! Let’s try to shake the fire by rolling around again, in our double-double rotating P!
[Band forms double-double rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”]
Run away Band, arson will get you sent to Yale!
Halftime:
Heavily endowed, if ya know what we mean, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”]
While the rest of the world was obsessing over bitcoin and ethereum, economists and reddit-users alike up at Yale have created their own cryptocurrency—Bulldogecoin. With their recent 40.2% increase in their endowment, Yale has decided to give back, and will be giving away Bulldogecoin to the top 1% of its donors completely for free. Where can one use Bulldogecoin, you ask? At all of the top Yale attractions!
Want a $9 latte at an upscale New Haven coffee shop? Buy it with Bulldogecoin!
Want to see a one-night-only new age production of Lord of the Flies told entirely in piglatin? Reserve your seat with Bulldogecoin!
Want to experience loss? You can even use Bulldogecoin to purchase tickets to Yale’s football games!
Now, you may be asking, how will this benefit anyone if it's only distributed to the top 1% of their donors, who are presumably already rich? [long pause] That’s the whole point!
As Peter Salovey, President of Yale, says “I’m a Believer in Crypto!”
[Band forms a coin and plays “I’m A Believer.”]
Instead of spreading the wealth through bulldogecoin, we had some other ideas as to how Yale could use its newly engorged $42.3 billion dollar endowment:
They could give every person on earth a t-shirt that says Yale, and when people wear them, we’ll easily know who the enemy is.
They could donate a large sum to Princeton to have New East and New West Colleges be given the name of their choosing (we suggest Yale two, the electric boogaloo).
[serious voice] They could disassemble the unjust systems of power on which they were founded, cease to perpetuate wealth and privilege, and take full accountability for past actions while contributing meaningfully to stopping the modern manifestations of neocolonialism from which they still profit.
[light-hearted laugh] They could host a hot chocolate study break for all of New Haven!
Any of these could be really, really, fun we think!
The Band sees the bright side of the harsh New Haven winter: warming ourselves around the fire with free hot chocolate! Forming a mug, the Band plays “Mr. Brightside.”
[Band forms a mug and plays “Mr. Brightside.”]
And now, for senior day, give a hand for the band seniors:
Sophia Hu, a history major on the flute.
Monique Legaspi, a computer science major on the snare drum.
Scarlett McNulty, a politics major playing trumpet.
Justin Coon, a music major on the trombone.
David Booth, an Electrical and computer engineering major on the gutter.
Musab Almajnouni. An electrical engineering major on Santa Claus.
Emma Moriarty, a SPIA major on the pumpkins.
Our conductor, Thomas Hontz, a religion major!
And our president, Chloe Holland, the molecular biology major playing the clarinet.
Run away band! The University is upset that the band blew our own endowment on a flame-throwing monster truck!
November 13, 2021
Princeton wins 35-20
Pregame:
Preparing for our own Viking funeral, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Cannon Song.”]
After the class of 2024 had their Bad Online Not-in-person First Year Residential Experience, BONFYRE for short, the University found themselves with an unfortunate naming clash. If we win the game today, what would the celebratory event be called? In a stroke of genius, the Band suggests “Arson Week.”
For what would raise students’ spirits more than razing First College to the ground? It would save on demolition costs, and at the same time create a bonding experience by kindling friendships among students which will translate into more donations down the line.
For those upset about the plans to burn First College, we could also build a thought-provoking monument outlining both sides to the issue.
Other arson-themed activities could include making extension cord daisy chains, blocking the means of egress, a candle-making study break, and pop-up chemistry labs around campus.
The Band can also provide its services for Arson Week! Forming a match on the field, the Band plays Stop and Shut Up and Drop and Roll and Dance.
[Band forms match and plays “Shut Up and Dance.”]
Man, we can’t seem to stop being fire! Our music is fire! Our uniforms are fire! Our arsonist abilities are fire! Let’s try to shake the fire by rolling around again, in our double-double rotating P!
[Band forms double-double rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”]
Run away Band, arson will get you sent to Yale!
Halftime:
Heavily endowed, if ya know what we mean, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”]
While the rest of the world was obsessing over bitcoin and ethereum, economists and reddit-users alike up at Yale have created their own cryptocurrency—Bulldogecoin. With their recent 40.2% increase in their endowment, Yale has decided to give back, and will be giving away Bulldogecoin to the top 1% of its donors completely for free. Where can one use Bulldogecoin, you ask? At all of the top Yale attractions!
Want a $9 latte at an upscale New Haven coffee shop? Buy it with Bulldogecoin!
Want to see a one-night-only new age production of Lord of the Flies told entirely in piglatin? Reserve your seat with Bulldogecoin!
Want to experience loss? You can even use Bulldogecoin to purchase tickets to Yale’s football games!
Now, you may be asking, how will this benefit anyone if it's only distributed to the top 1% of their donors, who are presumably already rich? [long pause] That’s the whole point!
As Peter Salovey, President of Yale, says “I’m a Believer in Crypto!”
[Band forms a coin and plays “I’m A Believer.”]
Instead of spreading the wealth through bulldogecoin, we had some other ideas as to how Yale could use its newly engorged $42.3 billion dollar endowment:
They could give every person on earth a t-shirt that says Yale, and when people wear them, we’ll easily know who the enemy is.
They could donate a large sum to Princeton to have New East and New West Colleges be given the name of their choosing (we suggest Yale two, the electric boogaloo).
[serious voice] They could disassemble the unjust systems of power on which they were founded, cease to perpetuate wealth and privilege, and take full accountability for past actions while contributing meaningfully to stopping the modern manifestations of neocolonialism from which they still profit.
[light-hearted laugh] They could host a hot chocolate study break for all of New Haven!
Any of these could be really, really, fun we think!
The Band sees the bright side of the harsh New Haven winter: warming ourselves around the fire with free hot chocolate! Forming a mug, the Band plays “Mr. Brightside.”
[Band forms a mug and plays “Mr. Brightside.”]
And now, for senior day, give a hand for the band seniors:
Sophia Hu, a history major on the flute.
Monique Legaspi, a computer science major on the snare drum.
Scarlett McNulty, a politics major playing trumpet.
Justin Coon, a music major on the trombone.
David Booth, an Electrical and computer engineering major on the gutter.
Musab Almajnouni. An electrical engineering major on Santa Claus.
Emma Moriarty, a SPIA major on the pumpkins.
Our conductor, Thomas Hontz, a religion major!
And our president, Chloe Holland, the molecular biology major playing the clarinet.
Run away band! The University is upset that the band blew our own endowment on a flame-throwing monster truck!
